I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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