shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
