You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
