you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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