mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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