I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Holy sore nipples Batman
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
