Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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