I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Randomize
