if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
