bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
