i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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