guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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