Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
