paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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