I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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