I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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