I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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