had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Randomize
