If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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