I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
