Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
