I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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