so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I woke up under a house in Key West
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
