My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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