i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
