I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
