At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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