Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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