My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
