dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Alive.
So much puke
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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