At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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