were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
