you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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