id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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