She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
