FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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