So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
