I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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