i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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