he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
