my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
