I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I want her autograph on my taint
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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