people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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