true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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