You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
