as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
