First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
