I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
