If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
