um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
