So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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